I know the feelings of doubt. The uncertainty. The anxiety. The fear of relapsing, again. I know it all. I have lived it. And now I am on the other side and can see what is going on in society, very clearly.

I believed that relapse was part of recovery. I believed that one day my desires would magically vanish and I'd just forget about this problem altogether. This wasn't the case.

"what is wrong with me?" "why do I keep having these desires?" "when will this go away?" "will these desires be around forever?" "how do I get rid of these desires?" "I will just look once... this will be the last time, that is okay right?"

A lot of addiction recovery advice is founded upon the socially constructed idea of a person being an "addict". The idea is that the "addict" is fixed with a certain problem for life and that they should manage their addiction until the day they die. My personal experience and work with clients completely conflicts with this idea.

Back then, I was deep in a porn addiction and going through that broke up propelled me on a mission to change. I never wanted to experience such strong feelings of rejection and failure again. So, I tried to transform my life and overcome my porn addiction.

One of the reasons that I am able to talk so openly about porn addiction is because I understand why I was stuck in the addiction for so long...

For years I would really beat myself up over my use of porn. I'd call myself a "failure", a "loser, and at times I'd really despise who I was.

In the film Mean Girls, Cady Heron says "Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it..."

Trying to stop watching porn is difficult because most people who talk about this problem do so from a place of helplessness. People are confused. People lack clarity. People keep relapsing. But, it doesn't have to be like this!

This morning I woke up to read another lovely message from someone who joined our program a few months ago...

My shame compounded as I did everything the experts told me and yet continued to relapse over, and over, and over. It got very dark at times. I want to expose this helpless language and show an alternative way of thinking is possible.

This morning I read this message from a client who absolutely conquered a strong desire over the weekend...

Before meeting Mari Paulus, who taught me the Beyond Compulsion method, I downplayed my porn addiction. After relapsing, I would try to have compassion for myself.

The addicted part of the mind (APOTM) tries its very best to make your porn addiction about "who you are". You will have thoughts like "What is wrong with me?" and "Why do I like this kind of content?". But, how often do you ask "What is wrong with my method?"

For years I had been indoctrinated into believing that external things led to me relapsing. External triggers. My environment. Other people's words. Fast approaching deadlines. However, by thinking in this way I gave my power to the addicted part of the mind (APOTM).

This week I asked a few guys who have been without porn for a very long time to share some advice to anyone new to the Beyond Compulsion Academy. Something in their answers stood out: Self-Leadership.

From the Beyond Compulsion Academy lens, we see that there are different parts involved in addiction. There is the rational part of the mind, the addicted part of the mind, and the child self.

A lot of people only watch porn every few weeks or months. And yet they feel terrible about it when they do. They often think about "not watching porn" and they don't feel like they are in control of themselves.

This morning I woke up early and went to the gym. My girlfriend met me there and I teased her for getting there later than me....

Recently I've been asked by a lot of guys whether they should stop masturbating, in addition to stopping porn. To answer this, let's start with understanding people's true problem.