I remember at the age of 12 going to HMV and looking at posters of naked women. A group of friends entering a world of sexual content for the very first time.
I remember us watching Babestation (basically cam girls on TV) together at sleep overs.
I remember going on Omegle (an online video chat service) and talking to people until I found a woman who would show me themselves naked and I'd masturbate to them.
These are just a few memories from my teenage years. Other memories include masturbating in random places like the woods or in the bathroom of a train station.
Over time, I think these childhood memories combined with the inability to stop watching porn twisted itself into a big, revolting mess of shame and insecurity about my own sexual desires.
I started to believe there was something wrong with me. Down to the core. My innate sexual desires out of place somehow.
Now, I realise that was not true. By successfully choosing to abstain from porn and masturbation long enough, the truth has revealed itself. Finally, I realise that all of those self-limiting beliefs about my sexual desire were not founded on truth, but instead created by the addicted part of the mind (APOTM) to get me closer to porn.
It was all just part of the addiction. And like waking up from a bad dream, I am free and safe from all of the pain and shame I felt when trapped within that revolving door of relapsing.