Yesterday I had a message from a client who had just left his therapy session and chose to join the Beyond Compulsion Academy. He sounded pissed off. His therapist had not understood him or taken porn addiction seriously. Later in the evening, I spoke to a different client who was doing great in terms of putting porn in the past by changing his neural pathways, but had been feeling some anger. And whilst everyone else talks about self-compassion and getting to the "root of the anger", I'm going to share a totally different perspective. I believe the anger is completely just. We didn't sign up to get addicted to porn. Imagine if as a 12 year old boy you were given an unlimited amount of heroin, for free, but were never told how to stop consuming it or what the consequences would be. Porn is not the same as heroin, but the addictive nature of it is not far off. I lived in a porn addiction for years and years and I seriously suffered because of it.
And when everyone around me told me it was not too bad, I was in real pain. I actually started to record myself talking about porn addiction over 7 years ago, and you can see and hear how much I suffered. That path continued for years. Until, I learned to deal with urges correctly.
Once you understand the addicted part of your mind and have a specific method for dealing with urges, you are going to want to choose to take this new route of rewiring your brain. You will understand how porn has has impacted your life and because you are now equipped to deal with compulsive desire, you will be ready to face the problem head on. No more substitution, distraction and avoidance. We can leave those NoFap methods in the past. It is time for true change. But, one outcome of facing things directly can be experiencing more emotions than you have in the past. Anger related to various areas of your life or around porn addiction can come up. This is natural and not uncommon. Whilst it is completely up to you how you deal with that anger, I believe there are 3 things to consider. Accepting your past
First of all, I think it is important to forgive yourself for ending up in a porn addiction. You did not choose to be handed the heroin (metaphorically) at age 12. You were young and your brain got addicted. That is not your fault. So, don't put too much blame on yourself for struggling in the past. Especially as you were never taught how to overcome it.
Accepting what is out of your control
Chances are your upbringing and environment had a lot to do with you getting addicted to porn. Just living in a society where porn is normalised is enough for someone to get addicted. But, then on top of this, many people grow up in in situations where they are even more susceptible to getting addicted to porn. This is often related to feelings of deprivation being created in some way. Just like the past, we can't control what has happened, remember it's not your fault. And yes it is unfair and it's fair enough you are pissed off about things. But, then again, life is not fair. Choose to embrace change
A lot of therapists and coaches are okay with their clients staying stuck in addiction. They look at what they believe to be the root cause (which they think is to do with the symptoms, not the actual problem) and try and change things that way. Our approach is different. Whilst I genuinely do care about how you feel and strive to do my best to help you feel better, I understand that the biggest thing holding you back from being at peace is addicted neural pathways. Specifically, the inability to deal with compulsive desire. Not feeling in control of your choices is an awful feeling. And the way to change the brain and become in control of your choices often requires some discomfort. It is change after all. If you are feeling angry about how you've used porn in the past, that's not a bad thing. The more you can connect that anger to what has caused it (choosing to engage in compulsivity) the more willing you will be to experience the temporary discomfort of cravings and correctly change the brain. Discomfort is not a bad thing. It is how we use it that matters. People do not change until their desire to change is greater than their desire to stay the same.
Each moment you have a choice. Either willingly accept the temporary discomfort of anger to experience long term benefits or escape the anger, experience temporary relief, and choose long term suffering.