One of the hardest things about living in a porn addiction is feelings of shame. These feelings are usually created by thoughts such as: "there is something wrong with me", "why can't I quit this?", "will I ever get free?", "I'm disgusting", "I'm wrong", "I'm helpless" and "I don't deserve to be loved". I used to experience these feelings a lot when I was in a porn addiction, especially after choosing to engage in watching porn. Relapsing flooded my body and mind with waves of shame as I drowned into feelings of being an unlovable outsider, unworthy of connection.
I don't know exactly where these feelings came from, but my guess is that they were to do with my upbringing being different to that of most people around me. The thing in particular for me was actually shame about my circumcision. I was the only kid in my school, as far as I was aware, who was circumcised (it's pretty rare here in England). So growing up I often felt some shame around the way I was different to others. I got into watching sexual content just a few months after turning 12 years old and I got hooked. Watching porn made me feel accepted in a weird way and it felt good. I didn't feel any shame around watching porn until later in life, when I began to try and stop watching it. I found this really challenging and kept relapsing. Probably hundreds of failed attempts of stopping my compulsive behaviour preceded, before I eventually sought external help in the form of Mari Paulus.
I love to learn and believe if you are not where you want to be at in life right now, the best thing to do is to change your thinking to get there.
I learned the Beyond Compulsionâ„¢ method (what I now teach) and my understanding of addiction enabled me to stop the behaviour for good. It took some time to really know the concepts and change my thinking, but once I did - my relationship to myself began to change. I began to feel more in control and things became clearer. I am now free from the porn addiction and have a perspective of shame which I believe will help you. Experiencing shame feels like you are being dragged down into sinking sand, like your heart is steel, like your bathing in a sweaty green swamp of desire. It feels disgusting and sticky and painful. You feel trapped and squashed and alone. It is a really difficult feeling to experience. You want to get out of it and that's natural. But, unfortunately, the thing most people want to use to get out of this swamp of shame is often the thing that got them into it.
And as such, we realise that shame plays a part in addiction and is on the same team as the addicted part of the mind. The thoughts that lead to the shame are said by the addicted part of the mind, not the rational mind. The rational mind knows the truth. And the truth is this: you do not have to stay stuck in this hell of addiction forever. You can get out. You do have a choice, moment by moment, and you are empowered to take actions every second of every day that you can be proud of. You are the ruler of your own life and you don't have to succumb to the desperate attempts of the addicted part of the mind. The addicted part of the mind just wants one thing, it wants you to engage in your compulsive behaviour. It is just doing it's job. And it will do whatever it can to try and achieve it's goal.
So yes, do feel bad if you choose to engage. If you didn't feel bad about doing something which doesn't align with your values then you certainly wouldn't be someone I'd like to be around. Feeling bad about choices we've made in the past is a good thing. It is an indication that we have morals and helps us know which behaviours we may wish to change in the future. So, if you've relapsed, acknowledge how you feel. Don't shy away from that. But, equally, it is important to know there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for making that choice in that moment. Addiction is really quite difficult and you likely didn't have the right information or tools you needed at that moment in time. Or perhaps you let the addicted part of the mind take control and didn't expect the consequences to be so bad. Either way, whatever the reason - it doesn't matter right now. Don't dwell on it. We can't change the past. We can't change the future. All we have right now is a choice here, in the present moment. And moment by moment, you have the ability to make choices you are proud of. People engage in behaviours they want to stop due to addicted neural pathways. These pathways include thought patterns which we call "junkie thoughts" and "unanswerable questions". These are part of addiction. We help clients change these thought patterns correctly so they can experience permanent mental freedom from compulsive desire. If watching porn is getting in the way of you experiencing the true peace of mind you deserve, get in touch and we will be able to help.