I used to think it was all about porn and sex

When I used to struggle with compulsive sexual behaviour, I believed that my problem was to do with sex, masturbation, and sexual material on a screen. To some extent, it was. However, nowadays, I live and breathe the Beyond Compulsion methodology. As such, I have a new way of looking at things. I think in different ways to before. In the past, I focused on the symptoms of my porn use. Things like feeling drained, being distracted, shame, anxiety, low confidence and the occasional episode of erectile dysfunction.

Having solved the porn addiction, I no longer experience these symptoms.

But, that doesn't mean I no longer experience any of the thoughts I used to. For example, this morning I had the thought "I haven't been on my phone for 30 minutes, therefore now it is okay to go on it". In this moment, I was experiencing some compulsive desire to use my phone.

Looking back to my porn addiction days, I considered how similar this thought pattern was to the common thought I used to have "I have been doing so well. I haven't watched porn in so long. It will be okay to do it just once now". Sure, there are differences in these thoughts. But, the underlying mechanisms of what is going on here are the same: the addicted part of the mind is talking. When I had the thought about going on my phone this morning, I noticed it for what it was: a junkie thought from the addicted part of the mind. Therefore, I chose to use my script and deal with the compulsive desire. I experienced the desire by thinking it through with my script. By experiencing that desire, without acting on it, I changed my neural pathways a little bit. I may never have the thought "I haven't been on my phone for 30 minutes, therefore now it is okay to go on it" again because this morning I got really clear on calling this out as bullshit. The truth is that in the present moment, I always have a choice. What I have done in the past or what I am going to do in the future is irrelevant in the moment of compulsive desire. In that specific moment that you want to engage in a behaviour that you also want to stop, the only thing that matters is what you choose to do, right now, at this moment. That is why I recommend that our clients use their script for any thoughts about how many days it has been since they last engaged in porn. The addicted part of the mind wants to get you away from the present moment. You can't control the past and you can't control the future. No wonder the addicted part of the mind loves to try and get people to obsess over the timing of things, focusing on streaks. What I have learned, through the Beyond Compulsion method, is that understanding the addicted part of the mind is key.

This part of the mind has one job, one function, one responsibility - it wants you to relapse. For years, I thought this problem was about porn and sex. I thought it was about who I was, libido, my sexual preferences. Now I know that these thoughts could be used by the addicted part of the mind to try and get me to relapse because they have nothing to do with my choice in the present moment.

Getting clear on all of this has changed my life more than I could ever imagine. I don't feel confused anymore and I feel comfortable talking about this problem openly. I feel proud of the fact that I know how to deal with the addicted part of the mind. That is how I am able to show up and regularly talk about this issue on a camera. My girlfriend came to give me a hug as I sat and wrote this post. I didn't care whether she could see the words on the screen or not. This problem is a tough one. Solving it is not easy. But, when you understand the addicted part of the mind, you get to feel in control of yourself and no longer fear your own urges.