In September 2019 my first real relationship came to an end. I had been struggling with a porn addiction and things had gotten out of control. I remember being in the absolute pits of my porn addiction. My girlfriend at the time had gone and visited her grandma for a week and I'd spent our week apart watching porn. I was staying at my parents at the time, working from my bed in the attic of their house. At the time I was building an online business and as part of it I was learning some code. I remember working on the code and then watching porn and masturbating for a bit and then returning to the code. I was stuck in a loop of work then porn, work then porn, work then porn.
My junkie thinking (any excuse, rationalisation, justification to engage in a compulsive behaviour) at the time was that I needed a "release from stress to do my work." That was of course the addicted part of my mind talking. My girlfriend returned from her holiday and wanted to see me. But, all I could think about was porn. So, despite her being my dream girl at the time, I had literally no desire to see her. Eventually, I gave in to what she wanted and we went for a walk together around the local park. I was like a zombie and she knew something was up. I knew a break-up was on the horizon. I distinctly remember going to the pub with one of my closest mates to talk about it. I told him that I felt like a break-up was imminent, but I still chose to do nothing about it. I was lost in a state of complete apathy. I consented to helplessness and passively let her end things with me. I remember going to another friend's house right afterwards to play Fifa on his PlayStation. I laughed with him and disguised my deepest insecurities with the most nonchalant of smiles. A few months went by and the reality of the break-up kicked in. I settled into the truth which was that my girlfriend of 5 years had broken up with me because I was the shell of the man she fell in love with. I was addicted to porn and living in compulsion hell.
I decided that I would make a big change in 2020...
Just months after the break-up, in January 2020, I decided to pack some bags and go on a 6-week holiday to Portugal. My online business working in football betting had just started to pick up and I could just about afford it. So, off I went. My days were spent reading books on the beach, listening to audiobooks as I walked along the cliffs, playing football, and working out. Without really noticing it, I was making huge progress in my life at an incredibly quick rate. I ended up staying for 9 months, living there throughout much of Covid.
I'd got really good at substituting porn, distracting myself, and avoiding triggers, but I hadn't learned how to deal with compulsive desire correctly. Addiction will exist in one's life for as long as they do not know how to deal with their cravings.
The reality is that the conditions for a happy life are not always going to be in place. Stuff outside of our control happens and life can be hard. For example, during my time in Portugal, my Mum's cancer progressed. I felt discomfort for the first time in a long while, and eventually, I relapsed. My world crashed down and closed in around me once again. I returned to England in September 2020 and it didn't take long for me to fall right back into porn addiction. So, yes I had achieved some of my goals, and certainly made progress in some areas of my life, but the biggest problem in my life still existed. I was still addicted to porn. We're susceptible to porn addiction because we grow up in a society where this life-destroying supernormal stimuli is normalised. It's not our fault that we ended up with addicted neural pathways, but it is our responsibility to change our response to cravings so we can change our brain and overcome this problem for good. We don't change the addicted neural pathways by substituting porn, distracting ourselves, or avoiding triggers. This only ever works temporarily. And it feels terrible as the underlying thinking is never changed, leading to feelings of deprivation and helplessness. Contrary to popular belief, permanent mental freedom from compulsive desire is possible. We can change the brain correctly by repeatedly dealing with cravings in an effective way, using rational and thinking through our choice whenever we experience compulsive desire.
And so here comes the question "how do you smash your goals in 2025?".
In the past, I started each new year full of motivation and enthusiasm but those temporary feelings would burst like a bubble and I'd fall right back into the muddy, unclear waters of addiction. Big new years resolutions only ever led to temporary streaks and the intermittent reinforcement of addicted neural pathways.
Instead, you want to get clear on how to deal with cravings correctly and then shift your focus away from dealing with porn addiction, and instead towards achieving other goals in life. Once you've overcome your porn addiction correctly, you'll be able to think clearly and have the self-discipline and self-control to achieve (and likely surpass) your goals, whilst feeling good about yourself.
I'm personally looking forward to spending more time in 2025 working on my business, fitness, and travelling more. When it comes to porn, my system is locked in already. Nothing changes. Focusing on "not watching porn" is a dead goal. Literally everyone in a grave will achieve that in 2025. So, instead we want to focus on actually doing something. The something you want to focus on is dealing with cravings correctly by thinking through the choice and changing the brain. This is an active thing and not a case of passively trying to get through the day like some NoFapper. If you repeatedly take a proactive approach to changing the brain by connecting and thinking through desires, you'll be able to take control of your mind and overcome your porn addiction. By doing this, you'll have the space, like me and my clients, to work on other areas of your life with complete focus and clarity. Make 2025 the greatest year of your life. Change your thinking. Change how you feel. Change how you act.
Help is here. I was in a porn addiction for around 9 years and it wasn't until I was taught the Beyond Compulsionâ„¢ method by Mari Paulus that things finally changed for good.