This morning I woke up naturally, no alarm, and proceeded to make a coffee, take a shower and get ready for the day ahead. Once dressed and drinking my coffee, I asked myself the question: "So, what should I write about today?".
I love writing, especially early on in my day and so it was fun to play around in my head with a few ideas. I settled on the idea of writing about the trap of trying to overcome porn addiction for someone else and how doing this can result in relapsing.
Once I was sure about what I wanted to write about, my next question was "What do I want to listen to on my way to the office?". I work from a friendly co-working space just a 15 minute walk from my flat and I get to pass a beautiful canal on my way here. So, I thought it would be nice to start my day with some music as I stroll along into the office. I went for some Amy Winehouse, quite possibly, my favourite singer. I played her most famous album "Back to Black" and in the first line of the first song was the line "They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said, "No, no, no".
Stopping porn for someone else
When we try to stop a behaviour for someone else, we experience resistance. It's almost as if our choice has been taken away. We are likely to feel like we are "giving something up" instead of getting to choose a new direction for ourselves. Our power, our control, our autonomy is robbed from us and the real joy that comes from actually stopping a behaviour, for ourself, is essentially stolen from us.
The process of change doesn't feel good and so it doesn't last long. Eventually we get sick of trying to hold out and give in to some urges. It can almost feel like a "fu*k you" to the people who trying to get us to stop. But, the biggest victim is you.
Those trying to get you to stop do not have to suffer the consequences of relapse. The tiredness, the shattered self-esteem, the feelings of disconnect and the emptiness. They don't have to feel the shame, the frustration, the sadness and the exhaustion. It is you who experiences the consequences.
The Addicted Part of The Mind
I was able to overcome porn addiction by understanding and correctly dealing with the addicted part of the mind. When we understand the APOTM inside and out, everything becomes a million times easier.
I know how the APOTM speaks. I understand it's language. So does my business partner, Mari, who has been teaching this method for over 35 years. As such, we are able to help our clients deal with the APOTM correctly. That is what we are hired to do. And this is why our clients are able to overcome porn addiction for good and feel good about doing so.
From our experience working with clients, we hear the APOTM talk a lot. But, I've also heard the APOTM speak in my own mind. When it comes to stopping porn for someone else, the addicted part of my own mind has said things like this in the past: "You can't let your current clients down. You have to stay stopped"
"You can't let Mari down. She has taught you so much"
"You can't engage because you have a podcast and YouTube channel talking about this topic, you're supposed to set a good example"
These sort of thoughts are ridiculous. They are the APOTM doing it's best job, but fortunately I am very well equipped to deal with such thoughts and so I've never let any get to me.
I know the truth and the truth is that I can always go and watch porn. That's always an option for me. No matter how bad the consequences would be for me and how much those consequences would have a knock-on effect on others - I always get to make a choice for myself.
Do it for yourself
If you are trying to overcome a porn addiction for anyone else at all, the APOTM will try and find ways of using this against you. It will try and screw things up into a big mess of deprivation thinking and attempt to make you feel frustrated and agitated. It may even try and get you to feel resentful towards your partner or whoever else you are trying to stop this behaviour for.
Whilst you may wish to stop the behaviour for someone else, the truth is that you actually want to stop the behaviour for you. The way it impacts someone else impacts you. It has never really been just about them, it has always been about you.
How would YOUR relationship be impacted? How would YOU feel if you hurt them? How would YOU perceive yourself if you let someone else down?
Don't let the APOTM trick you into believing you have to stop this behaviour for someone else. You get to stop this behaviour. You get to live a life of mental freedom and stability. You get to enjoy the groundedness and peace of mind which comes from overcoming porn addiction. But you don't have to. It is always a choice.