I spent at least 9 years trying to get out of a porn addiction. That time was spent on "NoFap" streaks. Ups and downs. Temporary confidence met with the hard slap in the face of a relapse. Back to day 0. Shattered self-esteem and disconnection.
I look back on things, now I'm out of addiction, and see so many things wrong with NoFap.
But, before we get into one of the main things, let's go back to when I was younger...
Growing up I really hated authority and rules. I remember at primary school we were banned from playing football in the school yard. What the hell? At secondary school I remember getting shouted at by a teacher for laughing with friends in the corridor. The teacher seemed filled with so much anger. I wanted to tell him to chill the hell out.
At home, my older sister would tell me "You have to do the dishwasher" or make other claims about me "needing" to do certain things around the house. She acted like she was the mother of the house and I didn't like that. Maybe it was because my Mum was ill and she was just trying her best. But, as a teenager I didn't see it like that. I hated being told what to do.
I hated being talked down to. I hated feeling like I was being controlled. I hated being bossed about. Having grown up, I understand that rules and conditions can be necessary and beneficial to people and society as a whole. However, I am still firmly of the belief that if given the right guidance and a choice, people will act responsibly most of the time when given the permission and autonomy to do so - for themselves.
For example, over Christmas when at my parent's house I actively wanted to and chose to help out with the dishwasher and around the house. I did this because I wanted to help out wherever I could. The moment my sister told me to do something, I felt way more resistance.
What's any of this got to do with porn addiction and NoFap?
We have the same intention. The same goal. We want to live a life free from porn. But, how come I am able to do this with ease nowadays and many people are not?
Well, it's just like how I chose to do the dishwasher for myself. That was my choice. And it felt nice to help out. The moment my sister interfered to tell me what I "had to do" I no longer wanted to do it. Of course, it is your choice to live a life without porn. However, if you've been following any NoFap kind of content, it's likely you have developed thought patterns which are holding you back (just like how I had).
It feels pretty terrible having someone tell you what you can and can't do.
And although it was always my choice to do "NoFap" I often felt like I didn't have a choice. The addicted part of the mind (APOTM) would say things like: "You can't break your streak"
"You can't watch porn"
"You need to stay on NoFap"
This led to what we call feelings of deprivation. And how I wanted to get out of those feelings. NoFap is all based on not doing something. The word itself starts with "No".
When you focus on not doing something you are likely to feel restricted. You are unlikely to feel free. And you are unlikely to stick to it in the long term. A lot of guys that get in touch with us are stuck in a cycle of NoFap, doing streaks for months and then being slapped in the face by the reality of their addiction as they relapse and cascade back into the darkness.
We get people out of that battle of resistance. That fight of willpower. That illusion of not having a choice. And don't get me started on all of the ways I tried to manage and contain my addiction through a plethora of self-imposed rules.
"Avoid any triggers"
"Meditate every day"
"Stay busy"
"Don't go on your phone in your bed"
"Workout each day"
"Get to sleep on time"
Trying to do NoFap and use self-improvement to do so was an exhausting ride. A rollercoaster of uncertainty, management and hard work. I was not free.
Fortunately, an alternative is possible. Nowadays I love doing work. Writing and creating. Spending time in nice coffee shops and developing and sharing my ideas. But, I know with absolute certainty that if I wasn't busy, I wouldn't end up back at porn. My free time now is spent doing things I enjoy or just chilling out. And I never feel like I have to "stay busy". Because I am free to always make choices for myself. I get to live how I wish to live, without the burden of trying not to do something.
We work with clients to enable them to freely make choices and feel in control of themselves, doing so from a place of freedom and autonomy. We empower people to make choices they feel proud of. And all of this starts with better understanding the addicted part of the mind and then having the right tools to deal with the APOTM correctly.
If you've been trying to overcome a porn addiction by taking on generic NoFap advice, don't worry, there's hope. That approach didn't work for me and is unlikely to work for you either. When we change our thought patterns, correctly, we get to overcome porn and feel good about doing so. We live with intention and get a choice. This is real freedom.