Most people who get addicted to porn will sadly stay addicted to porn.
Whilst there are a number of people who escape the addiction, there are a lot more people who stay stuck in it. Many people are not even aware that they are addicted to it.
For me personally, I did not believe, or perhaps did not want to believe that I was addicted to porn.
But the truth is it doesn't really matter whether we call it an addiction or a compulsion or what. What mattered to me was that there was a behaviour in my life that I wanted to stop and no matter how hard I tried not to do it, I always ended up doing it.
I was living in a constant conflict, always managing and controlling my desires. I did not feel complete control over myself. That is why I would delete apps from my phone, put my phone in the locker at work on particularly challenging days, and set myself an abundance of rules and conditions to try and avoid the possibility of relapsing.
My approach was exhausting and unsustainable. No matter how many days of abstinence passed by, I'd always end up back at porn. Usually binging and edging and filled with regret.
I felt like I'd tried everything and was doing all the things people online told me to do.
And then I started to doubt myself and feel like there was something wrong with me.
"Why can't I quit this when other people can?"
It was very frustrating. I was meditating, taking cold showers, eating well, exercising and working hard. I was seeing friends often, spending time with my family, and reading many many books.
I felt like I had my shit together. Until, suddenly an urge came along and I'd resist it and resist it, until it was all too much for me and I'd go back to day 0.
The ups and downs were annoying. Occasionally I'd take my frustration out on others, but most of the time I'd go inwards and shy away from the world and the people I was closest to.
Sometimes it got so bad I just felt like everything was utterly pointless. Apathy had made itself comfortable within my body and mind. I was very far from having my shit together.
Fast forward to now and things are totally different. I'm excited for life. I ran 21km last night, finished my book whilst my girlfriend read hers on FaceTime, and then went to sleep. I woke up and started to consider what to write about. Tomorrow I am going to Spain for a week with friends and will be running the Seville marathon on Sunday. I'm going without my laptop so I fancied a longer post today.
And the main thing I've decided to write about and which I think will help you enormously is all about connecting to the right neural pathways.
Yesterday I had a call with a client who had been on a very similar journey to me. He'd been having ups and downs, doing NoFap streaks, and had been experiencing the hopelessness which accompanies trying hard at doing something in the totally wrong way.
Our first session together was about connecting to the right neural pathways.
His problem for a long time had been resisting the desire in one way or another. He shared on the call that he felt like he didn't want porn. And rationally in that moment, on the call, he probably didn't want to watch porn.
But, then the inevitable moment of compulsive desire comes along... And that is what people hire me and Mari to help them deal with.
There will be a time when this client does want porn. And if he always tells himself "I don't want porn" he is not going to be able to get into the right neural pathway, think through the choice, and change his brain correctly.
This right here is why most NoFappy generic advice isn't just a bit pointless, but instead actively detrimental.
The reason most of the common advice on porn addiction is actually quite harmful is that most of it is based in helplessness. It is built on an incorrect foundation.
The foundation that people do not have the ability to make choices for themselves. That people are disempowered and helpless in the face of their temporary desires.
This is not true. I've learned this from experience and witnessed countless other guys implement the exact same method as me with success. The first fact of the 5-fact script we use is centred around getting into the neural pathway of compulsive desire, not running away from it.
It is scary at first but when you have a thorough education on the addicted part of the mind and a specific tool to deal with it, dealing with temporary discomfort becomes an experience you are going to want to go through.
You will know that this is how you get to the other side and that's why you can actually stop the behaviour and feel good about doing so. Real change takes place when we are direct and willing to face issues head on, not run from them out of fear of getting out of control.
This is the very beginning of changing neural pathways for good, and experiencing permanent mental freedom.