Addict for life versus rewiring addicted neural pathways

Tom Molyneux
Jul 1
3 min read

For years I posted on YouTube and on my Podcast about relapsing to porn.

I would tell friends, a therapist, or an online porn addiction community about how I had relapsed.

I had got better at talking about the problem. My ability to talk about relapsing had changed.

But, my thinking on how to deal with the addicted part of the mind (APOTM) had not changed.

I still felt stuck and the truth is that I was stuck. I was going around in circles without any direction at all. The consequences were severe and I would often binge and edge whenever I did inevitably relapse. My brain was fried and I felt completely disgusting. This harmed every area of my life.

Many people feel helpless and like they will be stuck in a porn addiction for life. Unfortunately, some books and recovery groups even promote the false belief of people being an "addict for life". I've heard from many clients about past programs where they have met regularly to share and talk about their relapses. It can be useful to talk about this problem, especially in a safe, non-judgemental, compassionate environment. This can lead to us feeling good and experiencing less shame.

However, I know from experience - this does not change addicted neural pathways. If anything, it lends itself to people unknowingly passing around junkie thoughts and unanswerable questions. It often results in people submitting themselves to accepting relapses as "part of recovery".

This concept of "relapsing being part of recovery" totally undermines every piece of neuroscience out there on how relapsing changes the brain. This lie that you can relapse and simultaneously be free is sold to people struggling with addicted neural pathways all over the world. And it is dangerous. And it is not true. Every person has the ability to stop engaging in compulsive behaviours, and stop for good.

If we want to truly overcome a porn addiction, a sustainable, rational method for dealing with compulsive desires is required. Talking about the problem is not enough. A thorough, actionable strategy is required. And when we have this, we get to build a culture of winners. Right now, we are building this inside of the Beyond Compulsion Academy.

Here are a few of yesterday's wins from clients:

Big win for me is that I got back from holiday yesterday and chose not to engage in my compulsive behaviour for the first time in years. I was aware of JTs that ‘I’d had little sleep because of the flight’, ‘that I was jet lagged’, ‘that it always happens so I may as well get it out the way’ and each time wrote it down in my notepad, realising that it was the APOTM trying to spin me out into a place of helplessness, replied from the rational self, and read my script. At work today feeling energised rather than full of shame and self-loathing, which is a big improvement :)

The past week, been very open to connecting and socializing with others and most importantly of all , believing in my own abilities to do that.
I've also learned that having the attitude of 'attacking life' in general is more favourable instead of feeling that 'life is happening to me' mentality and taking more personal responsibility, knowing that the APOTM does not have the drivers seat.
Will follow up with a video but travelling at the moment :)

I’m just starting out in the program but I’ve had a great week when it comes to things that would have triggered me into engaging in the past I’ve been able to use the tools i have so far to change my thinking and keep the rational part of my brain in charge. Not once not twice but three times the gf was coming over this week for some alone time together and each time different circumstances ended up not making it possible. In the past I would have literally taken matters into my own hands but this week I had victory after victory which felt so much more fulfilling than momentary pleasure ever could have.

You are either going to take control and deal with the addicted part of the mind (APOTM) correctly or the APOTM will pull you around like a puppet on a string. This whole problem is much less a sexual problem than it is a human problem. We humans are susceptible to developing addicted neural pathways. And when we live in a messed up, pornified, addicted culture - the chances of us getting addicted to porn is very high. That is why I was addicted for 10 years. Unless we open our eyes and challenge false beliefs with the truth, we are likely to succumb to helplessness and a life of addiction. Conventional advice often makes things worse. True freedom is possible for anyone. It is challenging. It is uncomfortable and it requires taking complete responsibility. This can be scary, at first.

But, it is possible for anyone willing to really face themselves and face the truth.

As a client on a group call mentioned last week: “The strength of a person's spirit would then be measured by how much 'truth' he could tolerate, or more precisely, to what extent he needs to have it diluted, disguised, sweetened, muted, falsified.” Friedrich Nietzsche

It is possible to overcome this problem for good. Relapses are not part of recovery.

"The truth will set you free". - John 8:32